Monday, May 30, 2011

Losing loved ones

This was my Grandma Pigg.  She has been dead for 11 years now.  I miss her like she died yesterday.

I had never really lost anyone until my Grandma died and no death since has hurt me as deeply.  She was the kind of person you wanted to be related to.  She didn't let you feel like a stranger.  She loved everyone and gave hugs instead of handshakes.  She cooked from scratch and kept a garden until she was too sick to do that.  Yes, everything she made was better.  She spoiled me without actually spoiling me because she didn't want me to be a brat.  She loved me for who I was and not for what she thought she could get out of me or what she thought I might become.  She would tease me about not having a boyfriend because a beautiful girl like me should have a boyfriend.  When I lost her I lost the biggest positive influence in my life and every day she's gone is painful.  It doesn't hurt as much, but it still hurts a lot.  I sometimes wonder if it will ever stop hurting.  I can still cry when I think about her because I wish my children could have known her.  I cry because the longer she's gone the harder it is to remember her.  She was the best person I ever knew.  I wish you could have met her, you would have liked her.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The decision to stop having children...

Deciding to stop having children is as complicated and difficult a decision as having children in the first place.  As much as I'm sure I no longer want children part of me is mourning the loss of my ability to have children.  Even though I know for the sanity of myself and my children that I really shouldn't have more children I'm sad that I'll never hold another baby that came from me.  As much as I hate being pregnant there is something magical about babies.  They're little possibilities and I love watching them learn things.

Either way as of tomorrow Ella will be the last baby I ever have.  No, I don't plan to adopt.  Not that I have anything against adopting.  I'm just done.  I'm done with babies and I have the amount of children I want.  Adopted children should go to people that really do want more children.

Right now I almost want to back out, but I know that this is the right decision for me.  Just like I knew that staying pregnant was the right decision for me.  I have to say that in a way I'm glad I backed out the first time.  I couldn't imagine my life without Ella, but I really can't afford more children.  So, I don't know what else to say about this other than I know I'll cry, but I also know I'm doing this for all the right reasons.